Meatapseudovegan

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Okay, so there’s this post on five totally ridiculous hot dogs, and it settled some stuff in my mind. Strangely, it was not “what am I going to have for dinner?” It decided, for me, that I really need to give veganism a chance.
Now I know what you’re thinking: I’ve gone done lost my mind. What red–blooded American can’t get through the day without at least one serving from all four of the meat groups? (The four meat groups are beef, bacon, ham, and seafood)
I’ll tell you who can get through a day without the fresh taste of animal flesh! Lots of other people who are not me! I don’t know how I’m gonna get through the day without the taste of seared animal flesh on my breakfast cereal.
However, Mr. Aorta is telling me that he foresees the day when he’s gonna have to shut down for construction. That wouldn’t be so bad, except that I kinda need that blood to stay alive. Mr. Aorta has let me know that the threat of a strike isn’t off the table, either. A work stoppage of any sort is just something I can’t have.
So changes must be made. All the stuff that seemed so awesometackular before are now symbols of oppression. I’ve got to stop eating all that yummy animal…flesh…with barbecue sauce…like ribs…and get to eating things like…not–meat. Whatever that is.
Apparently, there’s this plate of vegetables that you’re given before that juicy steak. And you are supposed to eat it. Who knew? I thought it was just more of that fancy stuff women like to look at — like flowers or curtains.
Now that’s all me (and my hardened arteries) can eat. Green, leafy vegetables. Joy.
I’m moving slowly into this new, non–carnivourous lifestyle by keeping some meat around, just in case I go crazy one night and start trying to eat my belts and shoes or something. But here goes to healthy.
Stupid, mortal heart. Maybe I should be giving this vampirism thing more thought.

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