This would be funny if it wasn’t so serious.

“U.P.S. and FedEx are doing just fine. It’s the post office that’s always having problems.”

This, coming from the greatest orator of out time. He’s trying to show how private insurance companies are doing such a terrible job by showing how terrible every government industry does in comparison to government–run services.

You know what would be awesome? If FexEx got to deliver this package I’ve been waiting on for five days. Oh wait, they are. They just have to give it back to the USPS so that they can deliver it. FedEx makes a ton of money by delivering things for the US government because of how inefficient the government runs the post office.

We are so in for it with this thing.

barak obama, freedom, healthcare, socialism, video, youtube

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Now, with the greatest president and administration in the history of mankind, we’re now told to report anything fishy. About a policy decision. Sad.

And weak.
Just as soon as people start getting a little snipy, the government of the United States has to start getting lying about the people with whom they disagree. I’ve never seen so much blatant misrepresentation about these ‘angry mobs’. If we keep going down this road, even satire will sound normal.

censorship, freedom, george bush, healthcare, media, socialism

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Wow. Just wow.

“But I don’t want the folks who created the mess to do a lot of talking. I want them to get out of the way so we can clean up the mess. I don’t mind cleaning up after them, but don’t do a lot of talking.”

Wow.

barak obama, censorship, freedom, healthcare, socialism, video, youtube

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And my Microsoft Word version, typed in 2009, is an exact match for the documents trumpeted by Robb Allen as “authentic.”

A screenshot of the “original” document as found at Sharp as a Marble:

A screenshot of my Microsoft Word document:

The spacing is not just similar—it is identical in every respect. Notice that the date lines up perfectly (well, come on, it’s a little crooked, give me a break), all the line breaks are in the same places, all letters line up with the same letters above and below, and the kerning is exactly the same. And I did not change a single thing from Word’s defaults; margins, type size, tab stops, etc. are all using the default settings. The one difference (the red squiggly lines under the misspelled words) is probably due to a slight difference between the Mac and PC versions of the Times New Roman font, or it could be an artifact of whatever process was used to artificially “age” the document (or could be because I forgot to turn off spell–checking).

There is absolutely no way that this document was typed on any machine that was available in 19–whenever–Obama–was–born.

UPDATE: You know what would really make this post sing? Animation!

UPDATE: Not singy enough. Still needs something. Hmm.

I know!

SIRENS!!!

Take that mainstream media!

barak obama, fauxtography, fauxtrage, slow news day

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In addition to not noticing he was just describing himself, he bolsters his argument by telling us what Europeans would do. If she were President. If she were elected as the President of the United States by an opinion poll of Europeans.

His argument (‘this isn’t an argument’ puns aside) is like letting the foxes decide who guards the henhouse. Who cares what some actor from a hit show from 40 years ago thinks about some other country’s politics. Unless he’s a naturalized US citizen, in which case he’s a traitor to his homeland.

This particular video is burning up Digg, so you know it’s crap.

celebrities, polls, sarah palin, video

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Another benefit: you only need summer clothes for like, what? Two weeks?

[via small dead animals]

funny, schadenfreude, slow news day, video

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This could be the leader of the free world.

Yeah.

Pie.

This is why I’ve been doing Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson catch–phrases after every Barak Obama sound–bite over the last year. He’s awesome on the mic, and terrible in the ring. And he likes pie.

If you smell…what Barak…is cookin‘…[cue theme music, cut to commercial]

barak obama, funny, video

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I mean, besides wanting to keep folks from ripping their own eyes out with forks.

For more vicarious leg–gawking, use this link to Gov. Sarah Palin News Photos.

pictures, sarah palin, yahoo!

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Or McCain. Whatever.

What I want to know is, aren’t these backwards?

barak obama, flickr, john mccain, pictures

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Not much, actually.

This does beg the question, though: which bank is the safest right now? The Bank of Folgers (what with the all–aluminum security features, impervious to squirrels) or First National of Maxwell House (what with the weatherproof security that only plastic can provide). Call me old–fashioned, but I think I’m going with Chock Full o’ Nuts.

“Chock Full of Nuts”? They should call it “Chock Full o’My Investment Portfolio”!

barak obama, congress, funny, john mccain, schadenfreude, video, youtube

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Two predictions about the presidential race.
Prediction #1: As soon as Barak Obama announces his running mate, his polling numbers will take a dive.
Prediction #2: As soon as John McCain announces his running mate, his polling numbers will go up.

And yeah, I was right. Doesn’t mean much, but the numbers, they have a changed.

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1. refers to one of the countless followers of Sarah Palin during her immensely popular vice presidential run
2. someone devoted enough to waste his Saturday squashing rumors about Sara Palin

ORIGIN early 21th cent.: neologism derived from the word ‘palindrome’ from Greek palindromos ‘running back again,’ from palin ‘again’ + drom- (from dramein ‘to run’ ).

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The Wilson sisters sent a cease and desist to McCain/Palin because they used “Barracuda” by Heart at the end of the RNC. It makes sense: For a rock musician, affiliation with a Republican campaign could be a career-ender. Whoops, too late!

Image from Rachel Lucas. Other stuff from Jim Treacher may also amuse.

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There is solid evidence that Sarah Palin may have been fully naked (aka nude) at certain times during her term as Governor, may have worn scandalous lingerie at other points, and may have even engaged in wild sex acts in private that would be positively scandalous in public. Although the full details are still unavailable, it’s come to light that Sarah Palin repeatedly exploited a blue-collar Eskimo worker for her own private amusement in the bedroom, and that she had sex with him on at least four separate occasions. It’s also well-known in Alaska that Sarah Palin got pregnant by a young snowmobile racer [see photos at The Jawa Report]. (The snowmobiler openly admits he is the father of Palin’s child. Palin claims her husband “Todd” is the father.)

Scandal!

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“Disgusting and hypocritical. Thank God my gay ex-husband has hired a staff of nannies to teach responsible sexuality to our children, whats-their-names.”

Maureen D., aging loveless spinster, New York, NY:

“Why do these young white trash sluts end up with all the babies, while needy middle-aged urban career women are stuck with shriveled uteruses? If she really cared about that baby she would give it up for adoption. Instead of hockey and bear hunting, it needs to learn about Sex in the City and Manolo Blahnik.”

Larry M., moose, Kechikan, AK:

“I just hope this scandal doesn’t cause Governor Palin to return to Alaska. Hang in there Sarah! We need you out on the campaign trail, far far away.”

Plus a lot more non–cherry–picked quotes from the guy I was gonna vote for.

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You know…I’ve been watching the debates rage on conservative and liberals blogs, television news programs, and print op-ed pages for four days about their resumes, their values, and their suitability to be on a national ticket with so little experience, and now more than ever, I’m firmly convinced that Palin vs. Obama is shaping up to be one hell of a Vice Presidential debate.

More related jibber–jabber:

• Palin vs. Obama
• More Palin vs. Obama
• Quotes of the day

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COOPER: And, Senator Obama, my final question — your — some of your Republican critics have said you don’t have the experience to handle a situation like this. They in fact have said that Governor Palin has more executive experience, as mayor of a small town and as governor of a big state of Alaska. What’s your response?
OBAMA: Well, you know, my understanding is, is that Governor Palin’s town of Wasilla has, I think, 50 employees. We have got 2,500 in this campaign. I think their budget is maybe $12 million a year. You know, we have a budget of about three times that just for the month.
So, I think that our ability to manage large systems and to execute, I think, has been made clear over the last couple of years. And, certainly, in terms of the legislation that I passed just dealing with this issue post-Katrina of how we handle emergency management, the fact that many of my recommendations were adopted and are being put in place as we speak, I think, indicates the degree to which we can provide the kinds of support and good service that the American people expect.

Uh, she’s the Governor of Alaska. With a multi–billion dollar budget and tanks and helicopters and stuff. In a non–contiguous state less than an hour away from Russia, not one of our best buddies in the world.
And, again, she isn’t running for the presidency. John McCain is. It’s just amazing to see the comparisons of two people who are should be incomparable.
[Via Ed, from whom all stories flow]

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We now know far more about Sarah Palin in just four days than we’ve learned about Barack Obama in 17 months. That is just sad. It’s a pathetic reflection of the mainstream media’s unwillingness to do their jobs for fear of finding stories that would hurt the candidate so many of them openly desire to win.
But periodically appearing to read teleprompters isn’t vetting, not matter how many months a candidate has done it, and Obama’s ability to perform in set-piece debates is both dubious—Hillary once famously took him apart—and irrelevant. Barack Obama really has never been fully vetted. He hasn’t even come close.
You want examples?

Four days of vetting has produced more ink about the VPette’s daughter than the former community organizer’s ties to an American terrorist who bombed the White House. Just sad, really. And telling.
I mentioned that some people were horrified by the Palin pick. That’s because she stands for, in a real way, everything that Obama says he is for, but isn’t. And there are people that realize this — an they’re panicking.

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First, there’s the whole Brett Favre thing, now there’s the VP snub.
Have I mentioned I am loving this political AND football season more and more?

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• The Olympics (my take: boring)
• Russia is at war with Georgia
• The John Edwards affair now acknowledged by the media
• President Bush says to drill, price of oil plummets
• Political stunt becomes movement, Republicans stay in D.C

If anybody needs me, I’ll be watching NFL preseason football.

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Huh?
Nothing at all like goatse. Nothing.

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There appears to be no crisis, tragedy or disaster immune from exploitation under the Bush administration.

So unlike 1993–2000. And that’s just while the Clintons were in the White House. Their shady dealings go way beyond just Mrs. Bill’s time in the White House.
Two points I wanted to make here: first, that this piece is like the kettle is calling the pot a kettle. Second, that who exactly is always exploiting these things? Let’s go down the list, shall we?
In the past few years, the number of corporations flocking to places like the Cayman Islands to evade U.S. taxes has exploded.
Like, say, China? You know, China. The formerly not–on–the–most–favored–nation–list–before–Mr.–Bill–put–them–on China.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but American businesses are in the business of making themselves money, not paying taxes.
In the weeks after Hurricane Katrina, for example, FEMA…
Did what they did on Bill Clinton’s watch.
Only faster.
While touting fiscal responsibility, President Bush and his administration have lined the pockets of political cronies like Halliburton and Blackwater. While calling for earmark reform, the president has allowed no-bid and questionable contracting throughout the federal government to dwarf earmark spending by a 10-to-1 ratio.
Quick, everybody, name a company that’s American owned that builds ports.
GO!
Alright, let’s check our answers. The correct answer to the question is…Haliburton. That would be the list. Hard to contract something to another company when another company doesn’t exist.
And earmarks? Are you kidding? Are you aware that the Democrats in Congress control spending? That’s the thing that galls me the most.
There’s more there to chide, but it doesn’t really matter. In calling for changes in the way government does business, she’s basically saying that the government (which has proven to be clumsy and inefficient) is the savior to our problems. To that, this quote from another famous American politician:
Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
President Ronald Reagan

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