Archive for May, 2004

Friday Spoiler: Dodgeball

Spoiler Alert!
This is just to warn you. I will be giving out advanced notice of something that happens in a movie that you won’t know unless I tell you, or you see the movie.

This week we got this movie from iCal called "Dodgeball." Yep. Dodgeball. Yea, I said Dodgeball. Dodgeball Dodgeball Dodgeball Dodgeball Dodgeball Dodgeball.

It’s almost like they made a real movie about dodgeball. Wait, right, they did make a movie about dodgeball. It’s called Dodgeball.

So the first thing that comes to mind when I think about growing up in Wisconsin, hoping that it wasn’t too cold to go outside so we could play some…you got it, dodgeball. But in this game, there ain’t no crowds, there ain’t no fancy sets, no Plexiglas walls.

No, we did it for the love of the game. Not like these charlatans and their half-truths and gorilla dust. It was mano a mano. A mano y mano y mano. And some more manos until you had an equal number on both sides. Then the manos that got out went on the other side of the other teams manos and you played till their manos were gone and you stood victorious, or the teacher said that recess was over.

That was a bumber. Oh, I guess I should tell you about the movie that has that spoiler thing. You would think that BBspot would’ve done a trailer review or something. Boy, sometimes P2P just doesn’t work for ya. Dang Oscar shake-down. Guess I’ll have to just make something up.

Like usual.

So, here’s the spoiler:

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Crap! Almost made it.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

Sunday-ish Spoiler: Troy

Spoiler Alert!
This is just to warn you. I will be giving out advanced notice of something that happens in a movie that you won’t know unless I tell you, or you see the movie.

Sorry about the delay this week folks, I was kinda sick. But enough of my whining!

This week’s movie is Troy. And, while not trying to get in on the sword and sorcery of The Lord of the Rings, and the always fun to watch swordplay of the Romans, like in the movie Gladiator.

So, here’s the spoiler:

Well, actually, here’s the whole war. It ain’t like it’s a closely guarded government secret. But even with knowing the outcome, or even knowing it ever happened.

Truth is, there ain’t a lot of proof that there ever was a Helen, who was taken to Troy, or even that a guy named Homer even wrote the story.

If you want to learn more about this war, then try this. Or, maybe, read Homer’s The Iliad.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

BSS plays hurt

While fighting against evil, I pledged to keep the world updated on what Britney is doing with her life. At the time, she was unmarried and mildly sane. And completely 100% Onyx Hotel free. Except for the weekly feature about the Onyx Hotel.

So here’s the a look at Britney this week:

1. Avril Lavigne allegedly told BBC Radio that Britney "dresses like a showgirl." Lavigne also intimated that Spears dances "like a ho."

In other news, teenage boys no longer enjoy showgirls who dance like prostitutes. More on this breaking story at 11.

2. Now, this is going to get a little confusing, but in the interest of decency, I’ve got to be a bit obtuse.

You see, there’s these pictures that aren’t really of her. It’s just some lady that looks like her that isn’t really her. Then there’s a real picture of her, but its been Photoshoped so that it ain’t her any more.

Now don’t go looking around this story for no links, cause though I may be all about information, I ain’t about filth. Find the links yourself.

3. India reports that no less than Carson Daly has said publicly that he wants to help. But, do you think that she would take him up on his offer? Do you think that she would listen to MTV’s most popular VJ in years?

Noooooooooooooo, she’s too busy with her new stupid, ugly, dumb boyfriend. That jerk.

4. Onyx Tour Report: Britney has cancelled the Far East leg of her tour cause she’s sleepy. No, seriously!

Seems she was working so hard on tour that she hasn’t had time to heal from injuries (she plays hurt) or learn to sing. Yea, I said it. So what. It’s not cause I’m bitter that she has new boyfriend that isn’t named John Stansbury.

Friday Spoilers: Godzilla

This week’s movie is special. It’s the re-release of the original Godzilla, but that’s isn’t what makes it special.

So, here’s the spoiler:

Godzilla was created by nuclear energy.

So, I know my loyal audience is out there thinking, "yea, so. We knew that is was. Now where’s the humiliating satire? We want our monies worth!"

First of all, this web site doesn’t charge anything for it’s content, so stop whining. And your free order of cheese fries will be right out.

Secondly, why am I making a big deal about Godzilla and nuclear energy? Because the watered down US version of this film has always lacked something that they saw in Japan, but we never go to; full-frontal communism.

Yep, though it was a more acceptable form of government for the Japanese to understand, us people in the US would never go see a movie with anything even closely resembling acceptance of that. But here’s the kicker, nuclear bombs.

You get the feeling something is up when you look at the original Godzilla, and they make such a big deal about the bomb. But to the people of Japan, the memory of Hiroshima and Nagasaki will live forever. That is why there is more to this film than you thought when you were 7.

Imagine what the people making this film had to do to avoid getting this film banned all together. They were making a movie about a creature that was created by weapons that cost them the war and killed countless innocent people. Doing a film like that in the US would be like making a monster movie that has a monster that could only be stopped by blowing up skyscrapers with planes.

Oh, and there’s the whole China’s got missiles aimed at us, while the US has missiles aimed at them, and Russia has missiles aimed at everybody. And, oh yeah, we’re in everybody’s flight path.

This movie was progressive even with the 1950s special effects. Though they weren’t cutting edge (but darn good for 1954), they did convey the message. Even if we got Gojira: Special Edition, I don’t think it would add to the story.

What would add to the story? The almost 20 minutes cut out of the original. In fact, the movie was supposed to be a one-shot deal, as Godzilla dies at the end. Except, since it made tons of cash, they started pumping them out like late 90s boy bands.

The material cut out of the movie added to the mythos of Godzilla in a way that would really give the movie legs these days. You see, the main character, the scientist, make what he calls an "oxygen bomb." In some of the deleted scenes you would find out that the reason that he doesn’t want Godzilla killed is that he doesn’t want keep him alive, he wants to know why he ain’t dead!

Seems that when us Americans bombed the carp out of their Axis*, we awakened a dinosaur, and gave him, or her, strange powers. Not nuclear powers, like we’ve been led to believe, just…powers. The movie actually points out that the same thing the scientist makes the oxygen bomb out of is the same thing that powers Godzilla. But for the entire run of the movie, from 1954 to today, they have never gone back to this idea.

Even when read about the original from various sources, I’ve never been able to get this into perspective. There was a lot cut out of this movie when shown as Godzilla, King of the Monsters. There was the red panic, there was the global pollutions, there was the racism, there was the social commentary. All cut because it didn’t work as it was filmed.

To put it in perspective, imagine the films of The Lord of the Rings. Now image every scene that had to do with Sauron were cut out. Now, delete any scene having to do with war. What you’d have there is a buddy movie about trying to marry an elf, some dudes that ride trees, and the guy who has to throw away a ring. Seems kinda silly, doesn’t it?

But while the Lord of the Rings was about a war, Godzilla was about the effects of war. Ever wonder why Godzilla smashed everything in his way? Didn’t it seem pointless that he torched everybody? And why’d he go through all that wire stuff that was supposed to stop him? Remember, this was decades before the first Alien, and Godzilla was never Freddy Krueger.

It was because Godzilla was an allegory for the effects of the bomb. It was a release for the fears that something bad may come from nuclear energy. It was because people were genuinely afraid that we were messing with something we had no business messing with.

The saddest thing is that a few months latter, there was Yen on the table, and they made another Godzilla. Not the outstanding social film, but the Disney-fied version of a thoughtless killing machine. Then Godzilla started being the good guy. Sad.

I will admit that I loved the Saturday cartoon series as a kid, but I thought it odd when I read a review of the movie in our school library. It was an old paperback that the school got for cheap, and I was into monsters at the time, and I read it earnestly. I go to a part in the book where it stated that the original Godzilla in the US was changed to better reflect American sensibilities. It also mentioned that most of the references to America attacking Japan were removed. And it said that Raymond Burr was stuck in there as a reporter to make the movie work.

I think Gojira worked just fine.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

*I am very sorry for that joke. Please forgive me, but you never waste a good pitch…

Friday Spoilers: Starsky and Hutch

Spoiler Alert!
This is just to warn you. I will be giving out advanced notice of something that happens in a movie that you won’t know unless I tell you, or you see the movie.

It has been well documented that I can’t stand remakes. I’m not going to tell you were that is, exactly, but there is all kind of documentation. Really.

So when I hear about the remake of Starsky and Hutch, well, I couldn’t hate my iCal movies thingee even more. Not that I don’t love comedy remakes of 70s TV shows that don’t have not even one of the original people from the show.

No, I’m not bitter. Why do you ask?

I’m looking at the super-secret reviewer copy of, lets call it S&H, and I can’t find out anything that you might even be remotely interested in. No, there’s no statue in a cave or appearance by Don Ho. Pretty predictable, actually.

However I was able to find something that most of the people that will like this movie will be interested in.

So, here’s the spoiler:

There’s PARTIAL NUDITY!!!!! Alert the media!!!!

Now, before you start to camp outside the theater for tickets or anything, remember that I haven’t said who is all partially naked. While you’re thinking that it’s gonna be sexy Carmen Electra or Amy Smart, it could as well be Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, or…<gulp>…Snoop Dog.

So if you want to risk see the OG’s nizzle snizzle, then this movie is fer you.

And before anybody asks, I have no idea how to do that -izzle thing. I’m sure I just blew it.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

Real-life BSS

While serving my Country, I pledged to keep the world updated on what Britney is doing with her life. At the time, she was unmarried and mildly sane. And completely 100% Onyx Hotel free. Except for the story about the Onyx Hotel.

So here’s the a look at Britney this week:

1. Newsflash! Britney Spears, 22, pop music singer and all-around hottie, found to be real human being. While many suspected unnatural enhancements were involved, it was not until photos became availible on the internet detailing her mortality.

"I was stunned," says John Stansbury, 32, internet pioneer and part-time stalker, who runs a web site that cronicles the life and time of Spears, and draws over 6 visitors per month. "It’s just tough to take, ya know. This kind of thing, it changes you, ya know?"

"Oh, and since you hit the site I’ve had over 10 people view it," said a poignant Stansbury. "Now all that’s left is to pick up the pieces. And get some links from India."

Stansbury plans on having a small ceremony on No Pants Day, to celebrate the end of his delutional fantasy life.

2. Speaking of home wrecking, how can you do this? And how can you do it twice? And how can you call Moesha "a comedy series." It would’ve had to have been funny twice. </catty sarcasm>

But at least nobody from some all-girl band hasn’t dissed your failed marriage. That would just be sad.

3. India reports that our girl Britney is is the next score for Brad Pitt. Seems that his marriage may not last forever. Seems that he wants to have himself a little fling. All I have to say is…why not me? I mean, for Britney…not Brad. I want the girl, too, Brad. Now, I know you and Jen are trying to get preggers, so why not knock the Mrs. up, and Britney’s all yours?

4. Onyx Tour Report: Loud cuss words. That’s what the kids like. Well, while they are trying to convince themselves that you are actually singing those words. Eh, she may not even stay on tour.

Man is India earing it’s props tonight! Cause without them, we wouldn’t know that Britney is going to stay on tour. Just maybe not anybody else on the tour. And definatley not her translator.

Birmingham BSS

While on military duty, I pledged to keep the world updated on what Britney is doing with her life. At the time, she was unmarried and mildly sane. And completely 100% Onyx Hotel free.

So here’s the dirt to what the Britney has did this week:

1. Remember the Birmingham Barons story from last week? The one with the hat in Britney’s new video? Yea, that one. The one with the B. This story is about the orders they are getting from the hat’s appearence in the video. Gotta love that minor-league trickle-down economics.

2. Speaking of Britney Spears, did you know that she is gonna rake in a cool $30 million US Dollars on this Onyx Hotel Tour thing? Just look here or here or here. Pretty good for a simple girl from Louisianna with only an Academy degree.

3. India reports that our girl Britney is planning to buy out a casino! She also was spotted near, but not in, a plush Manchester bar, that she refused to drink at, since it is one of Justin Timberlake’s favorite haunts. Also, she has a new stalker.

Wait, I thought all the India stories were about dumb stuff. This is heavy. But it’s true. Even Canada is reporting on it, mainly since he’s a Canadian. And a caught Canadian.

And it gives me the opportunity to write "Quebec Concedes Crazed Canuk Caught for something starting with the letter C."

4. Onyx Tour Report: Till I get a week with no great stories, I’m giving this one it’s own special spot. This week is kinda funny, seeing as how she’s making money hand over fist and adding shows, the shows are getting the Milli Vanilli treatment for lip-syncing songs. "I don’t lipsynch," says Britney. Kids sign petition anyways. That is, when they aren’t being dragged out by their parents.