Archive for July, 2005

Referrer of Evil

Published
by
John Stansbury
on July 28, 2005

So I’m sitting in my air-cnoditioned shrine to the Oil-Barons, and I see the most wonderful thing: I’m getting hits from Haliburton. There was a tear in my eye.

Greed! Oil! Haliburton

(click to make it readable size)

So, I decided to find out who was reading my stuff, and low and behold, if it wasn’t Dick Cheney. Turns out, he loves my stuff. Friday Spoilers, especially. Can’t get enough of making fun of the movies.

So, I’m actually talking to the Veep and we’re talking about the Duke of Hazzard and stuff, and if some guy didn’t bust in the room, demanding a tribute from his chief minion. Yep, it was his Dark Lord, George W. Bush.

When the POTUS found out who was on the phone, he chided Cheney for even talking to me, what with my prior relationship with his mother (long story). But he did admit that I was a pretty clever feller, and so he invited me to come to a secret meeting of his oil-loving buddies.

It was great. We were in this cool New York nightclub…up in the private place that only cool people get to go into. But, not the reeeealy cool place that people get to go to, P. Diddy was performing a Bat Mitzvah or something in there.

But there were all these cool leaders of the free world, Tony Blair, W and Cheney, Putin was slummin’, um…let’s see…Russell Crowe was there, I was so pleased, I think he’s a great actor. Turns out he’s really good, he’s been playing this character John Majors for a few years. He said he liked the part, but it was cutting into his films.

Yeah, there was a bunch of other people there you would reconize, but I’m just getting back from an all-nighter with John Kerry’s daughters (another long story), and I’m still a bit tipsy. So I’ll sign off for now, while I try and figure out how I got this tattoo in my leg, and just who this Kazenich is and what he or she is running for in 2008.

Oh, and one last thing…don’t ride with Bush in his plane. He’s all like, “sure, I can take you there.” And then he’ll just ditch you for the first piece of tail he can get. Next time I’m taking my own ride. Riding in Air Force 2 is just so humiliating.

Right, and one other last thing…don’t let them fool you. Bob Dole CAN NOT dance. He can move alright, but they said he was gonna crush Usher when they battled. Wrong. Usher wiped the floor with him. Dole’s stuck in the 70s, with all them tired moves. Sure, dude’s old, but he should know when to step down. Al Gore, however, can do the robot like you would not believe.

Categorized:
Overthinking

9 Things That Sadden Me Today

Published
by
John Stansbury
on July 26, 2005

9. Whoever is messing up my SQL database (you should be glad I’m not your boss)

8. Jessica Simpson

7. The kitten on the road. So small, and had no chance.

6. Jeff Harrell’s life

5. Movies from Hollywood

4. Arrogant Internet Moguls who refuse to backup months of work

3. The Global War on Terror

2. My total lack of IRL (I wish I had more IRL, and less not IRL)

1. Forgetting my dreams when I have them

Categorized:
9 Things and Personal

9 Things I Learned At The VA Clinic

Published
by
John Stansbury
on July 20, 2005

9. My veins hate me. With a passion. And they move, I just know it. The little bloody jerks.

8. When a doctor says, “I don’t mean for it to hurt,” they are lying. I’ve heard them in their lounge, they are all like, “and then I kept poking him in his side - it was hilarious!”

7. Also, doctors rarely catch the hint when you go, “ow, that hurts.” “It hurts when I press here?” “Ow, yes.” “Right here?” “YES.”

6. FedEx delivers inside the building. Remind me to get FedEx to deliver my heart transplant.

5. Nobody really knows where everything is. If you don’t work in it, they don’t really know where it is. Even if they’ve been working there for 3 years.

4. When they are taking X-rays, you are NOT required, by the laws of the State of South Carolina, to smile. That’s a blatant lie. Nor are you required to sign a photo release form.

3. Just because someone says, “come this way, drop your pants and have a seat on the table there,” it doesn’t mean that you should do it…

2. …especially in the hallway…

1. …of the Wal-Mart.

Categorized:
9 Things

All this sounds completely reasonable to me

Published
by
John Stansbury
on July 20, 2005


In a Past Life…


You Were: An Insane Poet.

Where You Lived: Ireland.

How You Died: The Plague.

This is pretty accurate. Except for the “The Plague.”

I see it more of me, covered by my harem of 20-year-old Miss Universe contestants.

Categorized:
Memes

MofM: Do-It-Yourself

Published
by
John Stansbury
on July 1, 2005

Well, that was fun. It was hard as all get out, but fun. Catharsis, really.

When Sondra came up with the idea back in January, I thought it a was a novel idea, and I supported her in the endeavor. But while she couldn’t keep it up, I felt I needed to try it, at least once. What I found what the same thing she did: it’s really tough!

I thought I was getting a handle on it during the first week, what with having the first five entries written before hand. What happened after that was an almost nightly race to create something of more quality than the last day. At one point I was writing over 1,000 words per entry.

I couldn’t keep that up, what with it being so personal. And it was taking me till 4 am to finish it, what with my characteristic lack of direction. But, that doesn’t mean it’s that way for other people.

In fact, I though it rather easy for people to either do what I’ve done, or to do something similar or much much better. Here’s some suggestions:

1. Write about one song once a day
Only one song should go up on your blog a day. I’m not saying you don’t write more than one, or that you can write 31 and post them all at the same time. It give people a reason to come back for the daily song.

2. Don’t worry about finding 31 artists or 31 albums
If you have 6 Eagles songs that you listen to daily, then so be it. It’s your thing, man! This is about you, so go with it.

3. Lyrics aren’t important
I put them up, but you don’t have to. There’s no law against lyric-less MofM. Though it does help the readers figure out why you might like the song.

4. Links to albums at Amazon.com aren’t important
Same as #3. This was mostly so you could find the obscure CDs that I listened to. Nirvana didn’t get a link because I’m pretty sure that people know about one of the best selling CDs of all time.

5. Unlike lyrics and links, pictures are important
You heard what I said. Giving a visual reference to the song or album lets the reader concentrate on what you are saying. But don’t get hung up on this…it’s just a suggestion, remember.

6. Pick a month with 30 days in it
Okay, so, that’s just a mental thing…you probably can think about more that 30 good songs, I was just being lazy. February is a good month to use, too.

7. Focus is important
…for some reason…not sure why, entirely…

8. Don’t get stuck on genre
You like your songs that you like, for reasons that you like them. Avoid making it a best dressed list. This is about you, and your music, not what people will think of you.

9. Plan ahead, or not
Like I said before, have a definite plan. Or fly by the seat of your pants. Realize, though, that not everybody songs coherent when they do that. Heaven knows, _I sure didn’t._

10. Don’t feel the need to have every day accounted
I made a list of 10 items. Did I have 10 points? No. But it did help to finish the list with

Categorized:
Media